real life

Somewhere in the early ‘90s I began betraying her. I would tell her — just a little at first, then more and more, then all the time — that her needs were not reasonable or fulfillable, her dreams were not practical, her intuition was not to be listened to.

This is real life, I told her, and to be real for me then was to neglect all the parts of her that required anything from anyone else. Sometimes to be real was to accept mistreatment, neglect, undermining, imbalance, disregard, disrespect or dismissal.

I would tell her that she was not strong enough for the real world. I would not defend her when she was hurt. Instead I told her that her value was in how much she could endure. How quietly. How invisibly. That her worth was determined by how much she could sacrifice in the name of love. I would justify the actions of others that hurt her before tending to her pain. Or I would condemn the others, leaving her to quietly wonder what was wrong with her that she would ever love someone so condemnable in the first place.

All of this was me on me. As we all do, I had gathered the “evidence” from the real world to tell me who I was supposed to be in it. I was seeking to protect myself from being condemned myself. From requiring too much and being judged for it. Most of all from hurting someone I loved — something we are all destined to do in some way or another from the moment of birth, even if only by dying.

These days I am practicing being true to her. Being committed to her. Being loving and gentle and supportive and understanding to her. Showing her how well she has actually done in the “real world” all these years, even while the ego mind fiercely denied it. I am showing her how strong and bold she is, and I am letting her know that is beautiful and truly safe, not something to hide in order to be protected from judgement or cruelty or harsh “realness”.

She is learning to trust me. With time, she is starting to relax; to breathe more deeply and easily. To trust herself; to give herself some credit and accept it from others. And I am learning how to truly love and connect. How to allow myself and others to be loved and be fully human with all the grace and space we need to do that. We are learning together, and we are becoming one. Union is happening. Truth is being lived. Fear is evaporating. Love is real.

This is real life.